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Category Archives: Jokes For Occasions
“Well, I think the time has finally come,” the professor sadly exclaimed. “As you all know, I was visiting the Dean as he was on his deathbed, and as he took he his last breaths in this world, he put great effort into writing me a message onto a piece of paper. I could see how difficult just jotting down the message was for him, and then he signaled to me to come and take the paper from him. I have been waiting,” the professor said emotionally, “to share this message with all of you, the students of this University in which he took so much pride in. I will now read his words to you, which I myself have not yet read.” With that the professor unfolded the piece of paper he had been holding onto since the death of the Dean, and read in a loud clear voice for all the students to hear, ” You are standing on my oxygen wire, MOVE!”
“Why is the bride wearing all white?” asks the little child to her mother.
Her mother replies, “White is the color of purity and happiness, and today is the brides happiest day.”
The little girl thinks about that for a moment and then asks, “So why is the groom wearing all black”?
A little girl comes running into the kitchen a few days before Christmas.
“Mom, guess what, you know how I’ve been asking you for a stroller for my doll for Christmas.”
“Yes,” her mother slowly replies.
“Well, you don’t have to get me one, we already have one, I just found one under your bed! Could you get me a doll house instead?”
Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement:
“What does he do? Does he have any money?”
Daughter: “You men are all alike. That’s the first thing he asked me about you!”
A grandmother is at the toy store for hours trying to find the perfect gift for her grandson for his Birthday.
She wanders the store for hours, finally she walks to the cash register with her find, a Super Deluxe Megaphone, a megaphone with a voice-changer and flashing lights which allows kids to yell in 10 different voices.
She says to the cashier, “This is the perfect birthday gift, my grandson will love it and it will drive my Daughter-in-law crazy. She’ll hate it!”
It’s Christmas morning and five-year old John has finished opening his gifts.
Unfortunately for John he has received lots of clothes and not as many toys as he was anticipating.
“John, where are you going?” His mother asks.
“Upstairs to my room,” he answers dejectedly, “to play with my new scarf.”
It’s the day before Sam is going to get married. The out of town guests have begun to arrive.
Jack, the uncle of the groom goes over to Sam and wishes him congratulations.
“One day you’ll look back at this day as the happiest day of your life.” says Sam.
“But, I’m getting married tomorrow.” Sam corrects him.
“I know!” answers Jack.
Mike was walking home from work on Valentine’s Day when he passed a florist shop with a sign in the window, “Say It With Flowers”. He walks in and ask for one red rose.
“Only one?” ask the florist.
“I’m a man of few words.” replies Mike.