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Category Archives: Old People Jokes
At age 80, Sam was telling his good friend Harry about a book of memory tricks that he was reading. “I’m telling you,” he exclaimed, “ever since I started reading the book, my memory has gotten better!”
“Wow!” responded an amazed Harry. “What’s the title of the book?”
“Well,” said Sam ,after hesitating for a second. “You know that jewel that’s round and white, and comes from oysters….?” Asked Sam. “What’s it called again?” “A pearl?” answered Harry.
“That’s right,” said Sam.
“Pearl!” hollered Sam, “what’s that book of memory tricks I’ve been reading called? Harry wants to see it!”
Funny Conversation Overheard
Old Man reminiscing in a nursing home:
“Yes, my wife and I, we had a long and loving marriage. Bless her soul, we had 40 happy years together. Out of 50, that’s not too bad!”
Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.
His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.
Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”
“I’m here.” his wife says.
“We’re here, Dad” they reply.
“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.
Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen!”
A little girl was sitting on her grandmothers lap as she read her a book. She repeatedly touched her grandmothers cheek and then her own fascinated by the difference.
“Grandma” she asked, “Did God make you?”
“Yes dear,” Grandma replied, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Did God make me?” she asked.
“Yes, God made you too.” Answered Grandma.
“Well he sure has gotten better over the years, hasn’t he?
Rachel and Jennifer, married older women, are been friends for years. Rachel doesn’t think her husband finds her attractive any more.
“As I get older my husband doesn’t look at me anymore.” she complains to Jennifer.
“Really, it’s the opposite by me, the older I get the more my husband looks at me.” replies Jennifer.
“That’s because your husband is an antique dealer!” exclaims Rachel.
- You know you’re old when you take a nap to get ready for bed.
- You know you’re old when your head makes dates your body can’t keep.
- You know you’re old when you use valet parking to avoid losing your car.
- You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
- The problem with getting old is that there’s just no future in it.
- A nice thing about aging and losing your memory is you meet new friends every day.
- A nice thing about aging is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
- A nice thing about aging is there’s no such thing as a joke you’ve already heard.
- A nice thing about aging is it’s already a great day when you wake up and nothing hurts.
- A nice thing about aging is when you lose your glasses they’re usually close by, like on your forehead.
As we grow older our bodies get smaller yet our stories stretch longer and longer!
A rich penny-pinching elderly man is on his deathbed. He turns to his long-suffering wife and says, “I want to take my money with me when I die. Promise me you’ll put it in the coffin with me.” His wife promises.
At the funeral, the new widow goes to the coffin and slips a box inside.
Her friend looks at her in horror. “Are you nuts?” she exclaims “He’s dead! Take the money for yourself.”
“I promised him I would and so I did. But, don’t worry.” the widow reassures her “I placed all the money in a new account I opened under my own name. Then I wrote him a check which I just placed in the coffin. He needs to deposit it to get the money. If he can cash it he can spend it!”
An older man was working out at the gym. He was not in good shape, but he perked up when he spotted a gorgeous young woman stretching on the other side of the gym.
He finally caught the trainer’s eye and motioned him over.
“Can I help you?” the trainer asked.
“Yeah,” the old man said, huffing even though he was only pushing 10 pounds. “That girl over there….”
The trainer takes a quick look. “Yes. She’s in great shape, eh?”
“Yeah,” the guy says, puffing. “What machine in this place should I use to impress her?”
“There’s only one machine that could possibly work, if you’re up to it,” the trainer said.
“What is it!?” the sweaty old man insisted.
“The ATM in the lobby.”