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Category Archives: Animal Jokes
When Tom and Charles were on their daily walk, the passed a restaurant and decided to get something to eat.
“Tom!” exclaimed Charles. “We can’t go in, Can’t you see the sign ‘NO PETS ALLOWED’.” Oh, I see it,” replied Tom. “That don’t matter.”
He pulls his sunglasses and walks up to the door, but before he could take another step, the doorman stopped him and said, “I’m sorry sir, no pets allowed in this restaurant.” “Look Mr.,” Tom replied “I’m blind, this is my seeing-eye dog!” “Since when is a German Shepard a seeing-eye dog?” he responded. “It’s the latest kind of seeing-eye dog, how could you not know?!” Tom shouted.
Seeing Toms success, Charles tried walking in with his Poodle. Before he even said a word, the doorman stopped him, “don’t tell me that a Poodle is the latest type of seeing-eye dog!” Thinking as fast as he could, Charles quickly answered back in an upset voice.
“You mean to tell me that they gave me a Poodle?”
Q. Why are fish so bad at basketball?
A. There’s something about getting close to the net that freaks them out.
Q. What did the mother bird say to little bird when he didn’t talk nicely?
A. Stop using fowl language.
A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.
The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”
The frog asks for the good news first.
The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet a pretty girl who is going to want to know all about you.”
“Great,” says the frog. “What’s the bad news?”
“The bad news is you’re going to meet her in biology class.” replies the fortune teller.
Dave bought himself a pet parrot from a pet store. The parrot was already fully grown and had a large vocabulary which included many swear words and dirty jokes.
Dave just do not know what to do it, he was not able to leave the parrot out when there was company because of his offensive vocabulary. He tried asking the parrot to stop swearing, he bought him language tapes, nothing worked.
One day completely fed up and frustrated Dave threw the parrot in the freezer. The parrot starts screeching and cursing as usual then there was complete silence. Concerned, Dave opened the freezer door and takes the parrot out.
The parrot apologizes to Dave for his language and promises to never again curse or tell dirty jokes. Dave was amazed by the change of behavior, but he didn’t want to say anything. The parrot starts talking again, “By the way, what did the chicken in the freezer do?”
Q. Why can’t you trust the fastest animal in the world?
A. Because he’s a cheetah!
Tom spends a lot of money at his local pet store on a talking centipede which comes in a little box.
Excited to show off his new pet to his friends, Tom asks the centipede in the box if he’d like to go out to the bar for a drink.
There is no answer from his new friend and pet. Tom begins to wonder if his talking centipede can actually talk.
Impatiently, he puts his face up close to the box and shouts, “Hey you in there! Would you like to go out for a drink with me.”
A little voice comes from the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”
A father walks into a pet store and asks the owner for a hamster for his son.
“Sorry” says the owner “We don’t do trades.”
A man who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to tell him of any emergencies.
A few days into his trip, his cat slipped while climbing the roof, fell off and died. His friend immediately texts him with the message: “Your cat died!”
In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief. When he saw his friend he yelled at him, “Why didn’t you break the news to me slowly? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today’, and the next day you could’ve written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof’ and let me down gradually that he died.”
After a quick memorial service, the man left again to continue his trip. A few days later he gets a text from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”