Category Archives: Death Jokes

Judgment In Heaven Joke

Sam was standing at the gates of heaven, having just died moments before.  “Why aren’t I being let in?” asked Sam upon seeing the concerned look on the angel’s face.  “Well, to tell you the truth, according to these papers, it seems like you don’t really belong here,” replied the angel.  “I’ll tell you what I can do for you though,” the merciful angel said.  “Has there ever been a time when you saved someone’s life?  That should be enough to get you into here.”  “Yes!” Sam eagerly responded.  “Once I was sitting at the beach when I heard faint screams and saw a head bobbing up and down in the water.  I ran as fast as I could into the waters even though I couldn’t swim, just so I could save the guy’s life.  As I neared him, I felt the waters getting deeper and deeper, but I told myself to just keep on going so I could save the guy.”  “When did this happen?” asked the impressed angel.  “Oh, a just a few seconds ago”, responded Sam.

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Deathbed Joke

“Well, I think the time has finally come,” the professor sadly exclaimed.  “As you all know, I was visiting the Dean as he was on his deathbed, and as he took he his last breaths in this world, he put great effort into writing me a message onto a piece of paper.  I could see how difficult just jotting down the message was for him, and then he signaled to me to come and take the paper from him.  I have been waiting,”  the professor said emotionally, “to share this message with all of you, the students of this University in which he took so much pride in.  I will now read his words to you, which I myself have not yet read.”  With that the professor unfolded the piece of paper he had been holding onto since the death of the Dean, and read in a loud clear voice for all the students to hear, ” You are standing on my oxygen wire, MOVE!”

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Bad Date Escape Joke

Jack and Susan are on a blind date at a nice restaurant.

The date is going terrible and Jack just wants to leave, but he can’t because they are waiting for the main course to arrive.

Fortunately, Jack, an experienced dater has foreseen this happening and has arraigned with a friend to call him midway through the date to see how things are going.

His friend finally calls his cell phone, Jack answers, listens for a minute and says, “Oh No!”. He hangs up and tells Susan, “I have to go my grandmother just died.”

Susan, also an experience dater says, “Thank goodness, my grandmother was about to die!”

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Funny Cemetery Joke

Funny Conversation Overheard at The Cemetery

A crowd gathers at the Cemetery, as an elderly women’s burial service is finishing up.

As they lower the lady into her grave, there is a load outburst of thunder with flashes of lighting.

“Yep, she’s there” says the husband to the shaken priest.

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Near Death Experience Joke

Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.

Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation.

A few week later she’s crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed. She comes up to heaven and sees God.

“I don’t understand,” she says to God “You said I had another thirty years?”

God answers her, “I didn’t recognize you.”

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So Cheap Joke

Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.

His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.

Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”

“I’m here.” his wife says.

“The kids?”

“We’re here, Dad” they reply.

“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.

Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen!”

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Joke About Staying At Mother-In-Laws House

Q. What would you do if you knew the world was going to end in 2 weeks?

A. Go visit my mother-in-laws for 2 weeks.

Q. Why your mother-in-laws home?

A. They would be the longest 2 weeks in my life!

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Quote

Will Joke

Where there’s a will there’s a relative

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