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Category Archives: Jokes For The Married
Tom and his wife Jenny were attending a class for parents to be. “Husbands, today we are going to focus on you!” announced the instructor. “I want you all to do the following activities as if you were the one pregnant. This way you will see how difficult everyday activities become for the pregnant women, and you will leave with a greater appreciation for your pregnant wives.”
“Wow! This is great! Finally you’ll have a feeling for what I’ve been going through!” Jenny excitedly said to Tom, as his stepped up for his assignment.
“Tom, I want you to pretend to cook dinner as if you were a tired out woman in her seventh month!”, ordered the instructor.
“Oh that’s simple” Tom confidently answered. “I know exactly how I would do it…
Honey!” he hollered. “Order us a pie of pizza for dinner tonight. I’m too tired to cook!”
Sammy couldn’t take it anymore. His wife Shirley had been nudging him for months to see the Doctor about his high blood pressure. He had finally made the appointment simply because he couldn’t take it any longer.
As he walked in the front door after his appointment, an anxious Shirley was there waiting for him. Bracing herself for the worst, she asked Sammy how the appointment went, as she nervously eyed the bottle of pills he had come home with.
“Everything’s fine”, Sammy happily told her. All he gave me was this bottle of tranquilizers.”
“Tranquilizers?” asked a confused Shirley. “I’ve never heard of them giving tranquilizers?!”
“Oh, they’re not for me,” Sammy triumphantly replied. “They’re for you!”
A little girl asked her Mom, “Where do humans come from?”
Her Mom answered, “God made Adam and Eve and they had children and that’s who we all descend from.”
A few days later the girl asked her Dad the same question.
Her Dad answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys from which people evolved.”
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me the people were created by God, and Dad said people evolved from monkeys?”
Her Mom answered, “Well, dear, it’s very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.”
A cannibal was constantly disagreeing with his mother-in-law. One day he had enough and ate her. That night he woke up with a terrible stomach ache. Seems she still disagreed with him.
A drunk goes over to a pretty lady at a bar and kisses her.
She stands up and slaps him across the face.
“I’m sorry,” he says “You look just like my wife. I though you were her.”
Furious, she yells at him, “Why you blasted no good drunk. How dare you touch me. You disgusting pervert!”
“Wow, you even sound like her.” replies the drunk.
Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement:
“What does he do? Does he have any money?”
Daughter: “You men are all alike. That’s the first thing he asked me about you!”
A grandmother is at the toy store for hours trying to find the perfect gift for her grandson for his Birthday.
She wanders the store for hours, finally she walks to the cash register with her find, a Super Deluxe Megaphone, a megaphone with a voice-changer and flashing lights which allows kids to yell in 10 different voices.
She says to the cashier, “This is the perfect birthday gift, my grandson will love it and it will drive my Daughter-in-law crazy. She’ll hate it!”
Why are married women fatter then single women?
Single women look in the fridge, see what’s there and go to bed.
Married women look in the bed see what’s there and go to the fridge.
Tom is having trouble with his wife. He tells his psychiatrist about his troubles.
“Doctor, I don’t know what to. Every night my wife goes to a bar, gets drunk, and picks up the first guy who talks to her. She is sleeping with the entire city and it’s driving me crazy!”
The psychiatrist says to Tom, “Calm down, calm down, it’s going to be OK. Now tell me exactly where this bar is located.”
Funny Conversation Overheard at The Cemetery
A crowd gathers at the Cemetery, as an elderly women’s burial service is finishing up.
As they lower the lady into her grave, there is a load outburst of thunder with flashes of lighting.
“Yep, she’s there” says the husband to the shaken priest.