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Category Archives: God Jokes
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? ~ Lily Tomlin
Man: What’s a million years to you?
God: A minute.
Man: Well, what’s a million dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Sure, in a minute.
Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.
Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation.
A few week later she’s crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed. She comes up to heaven and sees God.
“I don’t understand,” she says to God “You said I had another thirty years?”
God answers her, “I didn’t recognize you.”
God created Adam and he was alone without a companion.
God saw that it was not good for man to be alone and he said to Adam, “I will make you a helpmate. She will be beautiful, she will take care of you and she will make you happy.”
Adam was overcome with gratitude. “God,” he says, “that sounds amazing. How can I thank you?”
God replied, “Well it doesn’t come for free. It will cost you an arm and a leg.”
“That’s pretty steep.” Adam replied. “What can I get for a rib?”
An atheist is walking alone when suddenly a UFO lands next to him and a bunch of scary aliens come rushing towards him.
“Lord help me!”, the atheist yells.
“So now that you’re in trouble you start talking to me?” the Lord replies.
“Hey, until a few minutes ago I didn’t believe in aliens either!” says the former atheist.