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Category Archives: Jokes
- What’s black and white and red all over.
- What happens to a grape when an elephant steps on it?
It lets out a little whine.
- What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
- What’s black, white, black, white, black, white?
A penguin rolling down a hill.
- There are 3 types of people.
Those who can count and those who can’t.
- How many sound check guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Two. One, Two. One.
- Why did the math book look so sad?
Cause he had a lot of problems
- Why was the little strawberry crying?
Because his parents were in a jam.
- It’s not hard to meet expenses.
- What do you get when you cross a cheetah and a hamburger?
Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic? ~ Lily Tomlin
“Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long” – Robert Lynd
“The formula for a happy marriage? It’s the same as the one for living in California: when you find a fault, don’t dwell on it.” – Jay Trachman
Top 10 differences between love and marriage
- Love is cuddling on the couch. Marriage is deciding which couch.
- Love is a flickering flame. Marriage is a flickering TV.
- Love is holding hands in the street. Marriage is holding arguments in the street.
- Love is talking about having kids. Marriage is talking of getting a break from the kids.
- Love is sweet nothing in the ear. Marriage is nothing in the bank.
- Love is when you phone each other just to say Hi. Marriage is when you phone each other to find out when to pick up the kids.
- Love is like one long sweet dream. Marriage is like an alarm clock.
- Love is when you say you would go through hell for her. Marriage is hell.
- Love is when you decide to become one. Marriage is when you try to decide which one.
- Love is when he yearns for her. Marriage is when he earns for her.
- I couldn’t find a cute pair of shoes to wear.
- While driving to work I missed the turn, I decided to keep going.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, slammed into my car and vanished.
- I won’t be in today.. uhm….I’ll call back later with my excuse.
- I’m having a bad hair day and I have to go home to wash it.
- My wife said she is going to conceive today, and I think I should be there.
- The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to walk to the veterinarian.
- I locked myself in the bathroom.
- My cat hid my car key, she gets lonely when I’m not here.
- I left the bedroom window open last night and in the morning it was too cold to get out of bed.
Not sure if you’re a Redneck? Take the ultimate Redneck test. One point for each yes. Three points or higher and you are indeed a redneck!
- You think “seven to eleven” pounds on the box of diapers means how much the diaper will hold.
- You name your kids after the car they were conceived in.
- You have a bumper stick which reads, “my kid whipped your honor students a$$”.
- Your 14 year old smokes in front of her kid.
- Any of your children are the result of a conjugal visit.
- You know your Daddy’s name is X because that’s what it says on your birth certificate.
- You spent a significant amount of your early childhood in the child care room at the bowling alley.
- Your child has asked you “Why don’t you marry Mommy?”
- You chose the opening day of deer season over attending your daughters wedding.
- Your kids nightlight is a neon bar sign.
Adapted from “The Redneck Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree” by Jeff Foxworthy