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Category Archives: Money Jokes
Q. How is Health insurance just like a hospital gown.
A. You only think you’re covered.
A woman returns to her car after shopping and is furious to find the side of her car is smashed in.
On the windshield is a note.
Relieved she picks it up and reads what it says:
As I’m writing this a bunch of people are watching me. They think I’m writing down my name, number and insurance information. But I’m not.
Father to daughter upon her announcing her engagement:
“What does he do? Does he have any money?”
Daughter: “You men are all alike. That’s the first thing he asked me about you!”
Man: What’s a million years to you?
God: A minute.
Man: Well, what’s a million dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Sure, in a minute.
Tom needs some legal advice and so he walks into a lawyers office. As they sit down Tom remembers to ask the lawyer about the cost.
“How much do you charge for advice?” Tom asks.
“One hundred and fifty dollars for three questions.” responds the lawyer.
Shocked, Tom asks, “Isn’t that expensive?”
“Yes,” replies the lawyer, “What is your third question?”
Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.
His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.
Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”
“I’m here.” his wife says.
“We’re here, Dad” they reply.
“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.
Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen!”
Jack is very depressed. His business has lost a lot of value in the recession and the stock market has taken another turn for the worse. Jack’s wife urges him to go and talk to the family priest. Jack reluctantly agrees to make an appointment. Jack sits down and unburdens himself the spiritual adviser. The priest thinks for a long time, but finally he finds a solution. “Jack, this is what you need to do. Take your Bible and go somewhere peaceful where you can communicate with the Lord. Sit down and meditate and try to accept the Lord in to your heart. When you have reached inner peace I want you to slowly open your Bible and let the wind ruffle the pages. When the wind stops, look down at the page which the Bible is opened to. There you will find your answer.” Jack is a bit skeptical, but the priest is serious and Jack decides he doesn’t have anything better to do. The priest doesn’t see Jack again for a few months. One day, Jack shows up at the church in a fancy car and expensive suit and hands the priest an envelope with a large donation to the church. “Father, I want to thank you for your excellent advice! I followed your instructions to the letter. When the wind finally stopped blowing it took me awhile to find any message, but then I looked at the bottom of the page. Chapter 11!
Money isn’t everything but it sure does help keep you in touch with your children!
Husband: Dear, I wish you could make pies like my mother used to make.
Wife: I wish you could make dough like my father used to make.
Don was a janitor who worked hard but made very little money. Every day he would take his lunch break outside in the alley behind a restaurant where he would eat his sandwich while smelling the wonderful smells wafting out from the restaurants kitchen.
One day the manager of the restaurant confronts Don. He says, “You owe me money. You’ve enjoyed the smell of my food for a long time. Now pay up.”
Don puts his hand in his pocket and jingles his loose change. He says, “Sure, do you hear that sound? That’s the sound of my money paying for the smell of your food.”