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Category Archives: Life Jokes
Man: What’s a million years to you?
God: A minute.
Man: Well, what’s a million dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Sure, in a minute.
Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.
Sandy decides she’s anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation.
A few week later she’s crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed. She comes up to heaven and sees God.
“I don’t understand,” she says to God “You said I had another thirty years?”
God answers her, “I didn’t recognize you.”
Tom needs some legal advice and so he walks into a lawyers office. As they sit down Tom remembers to ask the lawyer about the cost.
“How much do you charge for advice?” Tom asks.
“One hundred and fifty dollars for three questions.” responds the lawyer.
Shocked, Tom asks, “Isn’t that expensive?”
“Yes,” replies the lawyer, “What is your third question?”
“Friendship will not stand the strain of very much good advice for very long” – Robert Lynd
Funny conversation between Mother and Daughter
Mother to Daughter: “You know, one thing about retirement, Friday isn’t exciting anymore. It’s not the end of the work week, it’s just another day. In fact every day is Friday.”
Daughter to Mother: “I know just what you mean. Being a stay-at-home mom, every day is Monday!”
Interviewer to applicant applying for job at Citrus Grove.
“Do you have any experience picking Lemons?”
“Well, I’ve been divorced four times”
Dave has been a cheap tight-wad his whole life.
His family gathers around him as he lies on his death bed.
Dave peers up at them and asks, “Is everybody here? Where’s Bessie?”
“I’m here.” his wife says.
“We’re here, Dad” they reply.
“Don’t worry Dave, everybody’s here.” Bessie reassures him.
Dave jumps up in bed and yells, “Well, if everybody’s here then why is the light on in the kitchen!”
Jack is very depressed. His business has lost a lot of value in the recession and the stock market has taken another turn for the worse.
Jack’s wife urges him to go and talk to the family priest. Jack reluctantly agrees to make an appointment.
Jack sits down and unburdens himself the spiritual adviser. The priest thinks for a long time, but finally he finds a solution.
“Jack, this is what you need to do. Take your Bible and go somewhere peaceful where you can communicate with the Lord. Sit down and meditate and try to accept the Lord in to your heart. When you have reached inner peace I want you to slowly open your Bible and let the wind ruffle the pages. When the wind stops, look down at the page which the Bible is opened to. There you will find your answer.”
Jack is a bit skeptical, but the priest is serious and Jack decides he doesn’t have anything better to do.
The priest doesn’t see Jack again for a few months. One day, Jack shows up at the church in a fancy car and expensive suit and hands the priest an envelope with a large donation to the church.
“Father, I want to thank you for your excellent advice! I followed your instructions to the letter. When the wind finally stopped blowing it took me awhile to find any message, but then I looked at the bottom of the page. Chapter 11!
Q. What would you do if you knew the world was going to end in 2 weeks?
A. Go visit my mother-in-laws for 2 weeks.
Q. Why your mother-in-laws home?
A. They would be the longest 2 weeks in my life!